Child feels like you don't really understand her - You wouldn't think that if you really knew me.Child can feel insecure about not living up to your expectations.Child may be hostile to a positive evaluation that doesn't fit her self-image.I want to encourage you to behave in certain ways by buttering you up.It’s such a shame people can’t see that." "You’re always such a good kid and so likeable. Child experiences anger and hatred toward parent, regardless of the accuracy of the comments.Child accepts evaluation as true, with a feebler sense of self.Child shutters up and hides emotions and life events, fearing negative judgment.You are incompetent, stupid or "a bad kid" in some way (here, an intellectual snob)."You know what my opinion is? You just have too-high standards, thinking others are not as smart as you are or saying they are too concerned with their looks." Judging, Criticizing, Disagreeing, Blaming If she already knows the facts, child resents the implication that she is uninformedĦ.Upon hearing the “facts” or how she is wrong, child becomes defensive or takes desperate measures to discount your position.Child thinks you consider her inferior, subordinate, inadequate.The only way you’ll ever make friends is to just go out and take some risks!" "Moping on your own is not the way to make friends though. Arguing, Lecturing, Teaching, Persuading with Logic Child feels like you don't understand AT ALLĥ.Child may resent and resist the solution or advice (especially if she is autonomous like one of my kids!).Child grows dependent on your problem-solving rather than developing her own ideas.Child is prevented from thinking through her problem, considering alternative solutions and trying them out.You are not smart enough to come up with your own solution, so let me take over."Why don’t you invite Sarah over this weekend?" Advising, Giving Solutions or Suggestions Child counter-moralizes: "Well, you're shy too! How many real friends do you have?"Ĥ.Child may feel guilty or that she is "bad" or to blame.Child may respond to these "should" statements by resisting or digging in her heels.You must comply with external duties, obligations and norms.You better accept what others think is right. All children need at least one buddy and friendship is a two-way street." "You really shouldn’t be so shy and timid. These messages also invite testing – are you really gonna follow through?.Child responds with hostility or with “I don’t care what happens, I still feel this way.”.I don't trust your judgment or competence." If you can't be more personable, maybe I need to do more and take matters into my own hands to help you!" "If you don’t at least try to fit in, you might get a reputation for being anti-social and then you’ll really have a hard time." She may feel resentful or angry and resist your commands.Child feels misunderstood and alone with her problem.I am going to take over solving your problem.Your feelings and needs are not important you must comply with what I feel and need.You have it so good and complaining gets you nowhere." You’ve got to make some effort to reach out." One day, she tells you that she doesn’t have too many friends at school.Ĭan you imagine yourself responding in the following ways? 1. Imagine that you have been noticing your daughter spending a lot of time in her room reading books. It might help to walk through a Child Owns Problem scenario: "I can see how that makes me feel like you don’t understand me and now I am SO NOT going to tell you anything else."Īfter this exercise, participants are chomping at the bit to learn an alternative that helps kids when they have a problem, namely Active Listening.Īnd then, get this, a few sessions later, we find that we often shoot ourselves in the proverbial foot and rely on Roadblocks even when we are trying to help ourselves! (That’s my next post: Roadblocks II - Parent Owns Problem.)."It reminded me of how I just wanted to rage at my mother, actually, but never could."."OMG, I can’t believe how disempowering that feels.".Most significantly, they just want to stop talking.įeeling for themselves what it’s like to be on the receiving end helps many mothers and fathers to make a shift: Invariably, their responses range from agreeing just to get me off their back to outright hostility. It’s quite an eye-opener for parents in the course to experience Roadblocks when I role-play the mom and they the collective child.
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